


in the ocean of light, i am being born again

by nekrateholic



Category: f(x)
Genre: F/F, Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-22
Updated: 2016-06-22
Packaged: 2018-07-16 12:56:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7269058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nekrateholic/pseuds/nekrateholic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It all started around New Year’s ten years ago.</p>
            </blockquote>





	in the ocean of light, i am being born again

**Author's Note:**

> hashtag pretentious titles  
> nell is just a really good band, okay? the title is from 'ocean of light', surprise surprise

It all started around New Year’s ten years ago.

Krystal’s mom received an invitation to spend New Year’s Eve with an old friend of hers and their family in LA. They didn’t quite have plans, and anyway Jessica squealed for a solid five minutes at the opportunity to go home… or at least close to home. Krystal’s pretty sure she burst into tears because Jess had told her she hasn’t been good enough and they’d leave her behind. Nine-year-old Krystal had slept through most of the flight and her mom had only woken her up when she had to meet the hosts. Krystal had found them terrifying for some reason and she’d proceeded to hide behind her mom. They had been a nice family though, just like their own – with two daughters named Amber and Jackie. The only difference was that even the younger sister was two years older than Krystal. Jess, of course, had immediately struck up a conversation with the girls and they soon went exploring, or something equally thrilling Krystal was too young to be a part of. She had been left clutching at her mother’s skirt, still trying to hide behind her.

Krystal had remained there too, at least until one of the sisters – Amber, the younger one – hadn’t come to fetch something from her mother and noticed her. Her hair had been in a high ponytail, tied with the prettiest yellow ribbon Krystal had ever seen. And she’d seen a lot, considering her latest ribbon obsession. Amber had asked why she stood there, alone with the grown-ups and Krystal had just stared at her, too scared to do anything. After a few minutes of smiley Amber and deer-in-the-headlights Krystal, Amber gave up and got back to Jess and her own sister. Krystal remembers she started crying again.

The rest of New Year’s had gone in Krystal following her mom like a puppy and avoiding contact with any and all of the other underage occupants of the house. At some point her mom had forcibly sent her to them, but Krystal had merely run into her and Jess’ room and hid under the bed.

In the end, New Year’s had been over, the visit along with it. Jess had been on cloud nine, their mom had said it might turn into a tradition and Krystal had burst into tears.

***

Third grade was marked on the calendar of Krystal’s life as the time where she found her best friend. She didn’t know it at first, of course. Jinri was adorable even then. She wasn’t the brightest bulb in the box, but she made up with an incurable nice person syndrome. Krystal was still in her scared-of-everything phase, a crying ball of snot, but Jinri still stuck to her like chewed gum. Krystal still thanks God about that because for the three months since Jinri transferred into their grade they were already at level sleepovers and she’d almost stopped bursting into tears every few hours. Jinri didn’t even mind when Krystal decided to use ‘Sulli’ instead of her real name.

And then New Year’s rolled around and their mom announced she plans on keeping her promise and they’re going back to the states. Jessica, predictably, was excited. Krystal was comforted for four hours straight. Sulli is the best best friend, seriously.

The stay at their mom’s friend had gone more or less the same way. Jessica had attached herself to Jackie before they were even properly inside the house. Amber had been nowhere in sight. When she had showed up somewhere around dinner, Krystal noticed she got her hair cut – now it barely reached her shoulders. She remembers she had missed the ribbon.

That morning, two days before New Year’s, Krystal had been loitering around the kitchen in search for something sweet when she’d heard the angry whispering in the next room. She’d peeked, of course, and saw a grumpy Amber and her mom, towering above her. The conversation had gone something like this:

‘But mom, I promised – ’

‘I don’t care. We have guests and you barely even bother to show up! The poor girl stays all by herself every day.’

‘She doesn’t even speak to me! What do you expect me to do?!’

‘Just – Just go keep her company, okay?’

Krystal had immediately ran back to her original place in the kitchen, in fear of being caught eavesdropping. Almost immediately after that Amber had come into the room, no trace of her previous grumpiness on her face. On the contrary – she’d been smiling, just like last year.

‘Hey,’ she’d said. ‘I don’t really have anything to do today. Wanna play?’

Krystal didn’t know who had made her angrier – Amber for pretending or her mother for making her. Or she, herself for apparently ruining everybody’s plans. She’d been seconds from crying again and did the best thing her ten-year-old brain had come up with. She pursed her lips, said – 

‘No.’

And left.

Or more accurately, found her mom, begged her for her phone and called Sulli. 

Jess and Jackie always locked themselves somewhere to talk about big girl stuff, so in the next few days Krystal had made it her mission to look as entertained as possible without any outside help, so the Amber incident didn’t need to repeat itself. Amber had just looked at her a little weirdly the few moments they did pass each other during the day. Krystal had quietly wished she never has to experience that again as the fireworks marked the start of the new year.

***

Apparently, some wishes do come true because the next year Krystal, with Sulli’s (and her parents’) help managed to convince Krystal’s parents to let her spend the New Year at Sulli’s, instead of going to the States. It had been the best day in Krystal’s life. She and Sulli had spent the entire time eating oranges, watching anime and arguing about whose flower is drawn better. Sulli had always given up and let her think she’s Picasso.

They were watching the fireworks when Krystal’s thoughts had briefly gone to her family – what were her mom and Jess doing now? Sulli had laughed loudly at something and the thought was gone as fast as it had come.

***

At twelve Krystal felt like a big girl. She and Sulli hid the dolls – along with all other toys – under the bed and started stealing Krystal’s mom’s lipstick and high heels. (Krystal had lasted about two days before pulling her favorite stuffed squirrel from under the bed. Sulli pretended she didn’t notice.) Jessica brought her first boyfriend home – Kyuhyun, a year older than her and, as it turned out, twelve-year-old Krystal's favorite. Krystal had been on a mission – she’d stalk him across the halls every time he was over and now that she thinks about it, she probably wasn’t as stealthy as she thought because she’d often found him smiling in the general direction of hiding place. 

Jessica had announced she intends to spend New Year’s with him and Krystal had started manipulating her mom to let her spend it at Sulli’s again. Bad combination. Their mother had decided that instead of flying out to California this year the Lius could come visit instead. The worst had been the Lius actually said yes.

Krystal had done everything in her power to avoid Jackie and, most importantly, Amber like the plague when they arrived. She probably didn’t even remember the incident from two years ago but it still gave Krystal cringe attacks every time she so much as looked at her. Thus, Krystal spent most of the time at Sulli’s and when she came over for New Year’s they’d isolated themselves into a corner while Jackie, Jess and her boyfriend talked on one side, their parents on the other. Amber had been in the middle, sneaking looks at both sides and looking incredibly uncomfortable. Suits her well, Krystal thought at the time.

***

Year number five of the (not that) new tradition brought the Lius at their house again. This time both Jackie and Amber were missing, their parents explaining their absence with Jackie’s new boyfriend. They never said anything about Amber.

Krystal and Sulli had spent the entire night in Krystal’s bed, awake and wondering what their boyfriends would look like.

***

At fourteen Krystal got her first kiss. It’s probably not that surprising it was Sulli. She’d been in her experimenting phase and decided Krystal is the best guinea pig for her sexuality experiment. It was unsuccessful. For Sulli, at least. Krystal, though, was left with a whole lot of doubt. Little by little it obsessed fourteen-year-old Krystal, who decided she’s going to spend New Year’s with her parents, for a change. Sans Sulli.

Krystal asked if they could fly to California again and they agreed, although Krystal is pretty sure it was from sheer surprise more than anything else. She packed up on a ton of books to prevent the Incident from happening again but it was useless, as neither Jackie, nor Amber were home enough to get forced into anything by their mother. Jess had stayed behind to spend New Year’s with Kyu’s parents. Krystal put her phone on silent and never called Sulli on New Year’s Eve. Never returned any of her seventy-two texts, either.

It was the worst New Year’s in her life.

***

Krystal had only gotten more confused the next year. Slowly but surely she started isolating Sulli, until they weren’t even saying ‘hi’ anymore. Along with this she’d changed the way she dresses, build this whole persona – started acting cold around anyone, not only Sulli, and for some reason that gave her a higher place on school’s social food chain. In a few months she managed to gather a small group of girls that insisted they were her bff-s (their words, not hers), but everyone with eyes could see they didn’t give much of a shit for her as a person. Krystal would catch Sulli’s eyes from time to time – she was hanging with the class’ sleepy head – a tall, skinny kid named Sehun. Sulli always had to wake him up right before class ends and Krystal smiled at them sometimes. Never when they were looking, though.

That year the Lius had come an entire week before New Year’s and Amber was with them. Krystal couldn’t even recognize her at first – she had cut her hair, started dressing a bit boyishly and was more cheerful than ever. Krystal started making more and more excuses for her ‘friends’ to stay at home. Instead of pointless trips to the mall, she sat on the couch with a book in hand, eyes secretly following Amber every time she passed by.

One of those, however, ended on the couch next to Krystal.

‘What are you reading?’

It was some random thriller, Krystal was positive she wouldn’t even remember the name a week from now.

‘They take out the victims’ eyes,’ she says instead, shrugging, like that explains everything. ‘It’s set around Christmas time, it fits the season.’

Amber had laughed then, and unlike the thriller, Krystal remembers exactly how her eyes scrunched up into little slits and how the sound of it had made something flutter inside her. She couldn’t hold back her own smile, then. Somehow the topic of the conversation soon changed to music and Amber started telling her about her love for Linkin Park and Krystal was biased, okay, so she was soon dragged up to her own room to watch an entire night’s worth of Linkin Park live videos on youtube. She changed to random rap songs from time to time but Krystal forgot those as soon as they ended. At some point she must have seen what Amber sees in Linkin Park because they started arguing about whether Minutes to Midnight is a worthy successor to Meteora.

At fifteen, Krystal had her second kiss. It was unexpected, it was in the middle of a Linkin Park argument and Amber was the gentlest person ever (not that Krystal had much to compare to, but that’s what it had felt). Everything was perfect until Amber’s arm wound around her waist and pulled her closer and Krystal realized that. She. Was kissing. Amber. She pulled away frantically, opting for running away but Amber was too startled to let her go.

‘It’s okay, it’s okay, nothing bad happened, calm down…’ Krystal must have looked terrified because Amber’s expression softened and she let go of her waist to hold her hand instead. ‘It’s okay. I won’t do that again, okay? Don’t look so scared, come here.’

And just like that, Krystal did. She was fully prepared to run away and isolate Amber the same way she did Sulli but instead they continued the Linkin Park marathon like nothing happened.

After New Year’s they parted with promises of keeping in touch through the year.

***

‘When are you planning on apologizing to Sulli?’

‘What for?’

Amber sighed on the other side of the world.

‘Don’t play dumb, you know she doesn’t deserve that.’

‘And what, run crying to her, now that I’m a class nobody again? She doesn’t deserve that either.’

They kept their promise at New Year’s. Krystal spent more and more time on the phone or home, skyping Amber. In the end her little posse decided she’s not on their level. Amber didn’t, though, and now they almost had the easy trust she and Sulli had, once. Amber was also well aware of all her sexuality crises, with her denial and respected that, even if she tried to delicately knock some sense into her from time to time. Usually that’s when their conversations ended with angry slamming of the phone/laptop.

Meanwhile Krystal had told Amber all about the Incident and Amber never missed an opportunity to apologize every time it somehow popped up in a conversation. Amber also told her all about how she knew she prefers girls over boys and how hard her parents took it. About how Jackie was always at her side. Krystal thought about Jessica and whether she’d do the same. 

She wouldn’t. Because Krystal did not prefer girls.

***

‘Sehun thinks you’re a bitch.’

Krystal looks up from the message Amber just sent her. Sulli was looking at her with a carefully blank expression.

‘Do you?’

‘Well, you act like a bitch.’ Krystal nodded. It was fair. ‘And you isolated me for no reason.’ Krystal nodded again. ‘Why the hell did you do that?’

It was the first time Krystal heard Sulli swear and she briefly wondered what else has changed in their two-year radio silence.

‘It’s complicated,’ she says instead. ‘I know I was an awful friend and you have no idea how sorry I am...?’

Damn, Krystal thought. That wasn’t supposed to be a question.

‘It was the kiss, wasn’t it? Because I’m sorry too, I shouldn’t have forced you into it but damn, you reacted like… like… like a bitch.’

Krystal sighed. Amber should be proud of her. ‘Yes. I was also terribly confused and I didn’t know what I wanted or what was right and when I realized what an idiot I was it was already too late. Happy?’

‘Yeah. You better not do that again.’

And just like that, everything got back to normal. Well, almost normal. They have to relearn and now Sehun was in the picture as well and Sehun didn’t really like Krystal, told her what he thought of her on more than one occasion. Two years is a long time, after all. Amber really was proud of her, though.

That New Year’s was at Krystal’s again but Amber failed to come because she caught a nasty virus and was absolutely forbidden from flying. On the bright side, Sulli and Sehun watched the fireworks with Krystal and then she told Amber all about it.

***

Year number nine’s Eve was at Amber’s. Jess had come with her boyfriend which made it impossible for Krystal to share a room with her. The logical decision was for her to share with Amber. Although it seemed like a dream come true – they could talk for hours without anyone interrupting – Krystal was still uneasy about the whole thing. She steadily avoided any and all physical contact and everything was going perfectly well until New Year’s Eve. The people were about to start counting when Amber wrapped her hands, both of them this time, around Krystal’s waist and rest her chin on her shoulder. Krystal wondered whether she wanted to run or lean back.

‘Ten!’

The screams were actually really close but it felt like they were coming from another world right now. Amber kissed her neck. Krystal looked around frantically and caught Jackie’s eyes. She was smiling.

‘Nine!’

‘Tell me you don’t want to, tell me you really want to run away and I’ll leave you alone, I promise, and everything will be like before.’

‘Eight!’

She was staring at the giant digital clock counting down the last seconds of the year.  
‘Seven!’

Krystal thought about another year of confusion and denial. And how easy would be to just give in.

‘Six!’

She thought about Amber’s hand on her waist, too.

‘Five!’

And that kiss on New Year’s two years ago. Oh, how the time flies.

‘Four!’

The remaining three seconds were screamed in another universe, because Krystal had already turned back and all there was in hers was Amber.

The fireworks were beautiful this year, Jessica tells her later and Krystal believes her. She never got to turn back and see them for herself.

***

Technically, the tenth New Year’s is still far, far away. It’s summer now and Amber is over for a visit. She’s also moving permanently next year. Sehun finally got over his natural inability to interact with humans and he and Sulli have been a couple for a few months now. They’re also awfully cute. Or at least that’s what Amber says, Krystal could very well be watching a pair of walking sticks dating.

Sulli is grinning behind a huge camera and the flash goes off before Krystal manages to run away. Amber sneaks behind her, turns her around too fast and before she can protest they are kissing like the sickly sweet couple they are. The flash goes off like crazy.


End file.
